Saturday, January 15, 2011

Planning, lack of planning, moving, thinking, doing

I've been doing a lot of pondering and procrastinating lately. Skipping from book to book. Playing video games. Distracting myself from the important topics I know I have to deal with soon. Ideas about life goals, career goals, moving forward, moving backward.

I feel like I'm doing a delicate dance to avoid learning a new dance. A backwards, swaying, side to side....anything to keep from moving forwards.

Which is weird because I feel like I'm building the momentum to skyrocket somewhere. And maybe it's good to sway and think and make decisions in place before taking off into the stratosphere without direction.

It's helpful to stitch, or to read, to clear my mind. The video games are a sort of meditation as well...although probably not quite as good of one (I swore off of video games years ago, but have been dabbling again like a relapsed addict. At least I'm still off cigarettes).

I'm trying to figure out what is next in my life. The husband and dog are part of it, but can't direct it. They must be involved without interfering. Part of the change without being the change.

What is clear to me is that all of the options I have presented myself with for change aren't right. Nothing among my current choices is the right move. I'm missing part of the picture, and have this uncanny feeling that it's right behind me, looking over my shoulder, softly snickering at what I have been looking towards. And I want this change to be real. To be from inside myself. And for it to be real...Real? Capital R? True, capital T, and Right, needs to come from somewhere genuine. And the choices I have cast about for and reeled in all feel like bandaids.

I will find the path. Or the many paths. And select one.

I have no fear of choosing. I've never feared the choosing. I just close my eyes and point and go. That's how I ended up working in London for 6 months. Just walked forward on an invisible bridge, never looking down.

It's just that in order to feel comfortable. In order to close my eyes and pick. I need to know the choices I'm looking at are in the right direction. That's it, just direction. Not the perfect choice, not the perfect path....but something going up, going forwards, not taking me back where I just was.


Anonymous said...

Just keep holdin'!


Mine BayBee!

Can't wait to see you!

nothinfinah said...

I'm glad the hubby and puppy have their roles but aren't the reason for any changes in your life. Sometimes I miss the freedom of being a single woman, able to take a temporary job in some 'exotic' location for a few months, but I wouldn't swap the hubby for a temporary job.

Sending positive energy you way :)

bascom hogue said...

Well written and I look forward to seeing where you.