You know (or maybe you don't), I started blogging again to help me do away with a constant nagging writing itch. An itch that started when I stopped writing short stories and attempting the next 'Great American Fantasy Novel' (hey, I was a teenager) and continued for many years.
And of course, lately, maybe half of this year so far, I haven't really been writing. Just logging my fun art/craft adventures.
Which is ok I suppose, but really not what I jumped into this game for in the first place.
I stopped blogging in 2005 (archives are for the most part lost) because I had revealed too much of my personal life. When casual acquaintances at my work started talking to me about it it made me uncomfortable. So I realized that if I started again, I needed to have some space between my innermost thoughts and my actual blog posts.
But unfortunately I think that's backfired and I can see little of my thoughts in my posts. Just my conscious mind chattering about odd things I'm making.
So here, I am returning at least once as the true me, talking straight to you from the heart. Or from the keyboard. Or something...
The last few years of my life feel like another giant transformation process. I keep reminding myself, in notes, or scribbles in a sort-of-diary-thing, that these feelings of transformation happen again and again in my life. Where I wake up one day and feel new, better, stronger, etc etc etc.
But taken as a whole, since graduating college in 2004, I feel like a brand new person. I can see a lot of the sadness and confusion in my old self just by thinking back to the ways I interacted with other people, and the assumptions they had about me. I have pulled back a lot of what was often referred to as my 'lack of tact', and have gained a lot of self-confidence and poise that I never dreamed of back then.
I have higher expectations for how I wish to be treated, and have reined in my uber-self-righteous, know-it-all, pacifist, vegetarian, generally-better-than-you egotism that ruled my high school and college days.
There she is:
I'm not sure I would really like the old me if I met her in the street, though I know I had to be her to be who I am today.
Even knowing I've come a long way in five years, I know I have so much further to go. I have ideals of the person I want to be. Some vague amalgamation of my Western concepts of Buddhist Monks, Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus Series, Shaun Tan and maybe John Wyndham and Ursula K. Le Guin (the writer thing is still in the back of my mind, always will be).
Oh and of course, some part of me will always want to be Snufkin, from the Moomin series.
Needless to say, I know I haven't achieved my goals of becoming a bit of all of those people. But possibly one day I will be able to look at some of those goals and be able to say that I have achieved them.
Some high goals to conquer, to say the least.
But I feel like I'm on my way. And those aren't my only goals. I have new goals about being a better partner, and making a new life with the Taller Half. And being a better friend, and a better daughter/sister/cousin/niece/etc (which sadly wasn't on my radar around 2005).
I would like to be a full-time artist and maker, and can't totally shake those half-formed thoughts of making the world a better place, even if it's just by living by example.
And teaching has always been something I've loved, and having done some dabbling into it lately, I feel strongly that I should go in that direction. I'm far more patient than I used to be (my impatience used to convince me I could never be a teacher) and I take pleasure in helping people learn. And like learning!
The job I have right now is a great place for me to figure some of these things out and get ready to move further into...I don't want to call it my Destiny, but I guess that's what it feels like.
I've come out of one Chrysalis, and gone straight into another one. This repetitive reawakening is just so right. It's a common theme in Le Guin's work, and has always resonated strongly with me.
The crafting right now I think is another part of me healing from overstress and not taking care of myself. Taking the time to patiently embroider things and draw out ideas and then bring them to life is restorative.
As always, I find peace and energy from fiction, from the concepts of stuffed animals and imagination. I've been immersed in it lately, but I know I can't stay there forever. Soon I will move into whatever is next. Maybe I have already begun.
I know that this all feels hyper dramatic as I reread this post, but this is really how I feel right now.
I'm going down a new path in life, and I no longer feel like I'm alone. It's wonderful.